Well there’s a headline I never thought I’d write. But thanks to the eccentric mind of Sean Oxspring, there’s now OnlyCans: Thirst Date, where you lust after a variety of different sodas.
If it wasn’t already obvious enough, the game is a tongue-in-cheek reference to the site OnlyFans, which has become well-known for its use by sex workers. OnlyCans puts you as the principal photographer of each different drink. It doesn’t offer the deepest gameplay, being a sort of rhythm game/light dating-sim hybrid. Well-timed mouse or button prompts will either snap a sultry shot of the soda you’re currently courting, or cause their can to lightly spray with excitement. Get the cans all fizzed-up, and you’ll be rewarded with a satisfying click before it sprays its contents all over the place.
The game really has no right being as slick as it is, and the humour shines through its various personalities. There are 29 different cans here, all with their own stories, likes and dislikes—Lemon Party loves mornings and champagne sorbet, and hates motorcycles and jeans. Each can is even fully voiced, providing an immersive, unexpectedly juicy experience.
OnlyCans is free and made with considerable attention to detail, each soda offering a different aesthetic—from Cherry Pop’s lacy lingerie to Juicy Melon’s Harajuku street style. The main menu’s theme is also a bop, offering a sultry jazz piano that wouldn’t sound out of place in an equally horny game like Catherine. I’ll never look at cans the same way again.